Deployment Discussion
When he walks out the door to war, you expect to miss him. To do anything it takes to see him again. You expect pain, minutes to tick by, children to cry. But what you don’t expect is to grieve. A deployment is a goodbye. Certainly, it is one that you fully hope to be paired with a reunion. But, in order to mentally get through a deployment, you will go through the grieving process. That process is broken up into five stages: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Not only will we explore the unique effects of each stage, but also offer advice and options for how to make your way through the battlefield. We each have to fight the battle. But, we do not have to do it alone.
This portion will encompass the months before the deployment as well as the farewell. Leading up to a deployment is horrendous because you have to search for a way to prepare yourself for him to possibly never return. You also have to send him off with a smile, make him believe you are okay, that your children will be okay. As well as searching for a way to make memories strong enough to get you through. What you often wind up doing is fighting for most of the time. Not to mention that for security reasons, the deployment dates shift every few days. So, there really is no way at all to prepare yourself. When you think you have done just that, and you are ready for that final kiss, his date will change, and you will have to work through all this again. You want to fight the reality that he will leave. He will leave no matter what.
This is one of the most shocking aspects of deployments. You expect to be sad, maybe even lonely, but the rage that begins to consume you seems to rear its ugly head out of nowhere. One thing that thoroughly needs to be discussed is that anger with your spouse, or your children, or with civilians, is perfectly natural. Since your fear of his death is what is fueling your emotions, you turn to anger as a source of release. This often leads to immediate guilt. After all, who wants to yell at a “hero” in the midst of battle?
“If I throw myself down the stairs, he will come home.” “If I keep the kids perfectly happy, he will come home.” “If I just stay busy, he will come home.” “If I push my pain and agony to the bottom of my chest and ignore it for a year, he will come home.” “If I never miss a phone call or an instant messenger, he will come home.” “If I am a good army wife, he will come home.” Get the picture?
This is the one emotion you fully expect during a deployment. But what knocks you off your feet is that you expect it in the beginning, not here at the end. This can be so disheartening because you thought you were “getting better.” You thought that you faced these feelings during and before, and having this overwhelming emotion hit you when he is closer to coming home (or has returned) is heartbreaking. You are stuck wondering what is wrong with you. Why must we go backwards to move forward? The other aspect that goes along with this is that many wives/mothers have to bury this and not fully explore it because it is the stage that often includes child neglect, self-abuse, substance abuse, and discussion of marital problems. This emotion is also often coupled and timed with his return for R & R. Just when you “found your groove,” he came home and you have to let him go. Again.
This can be very deceiving. It isn’t necessarily acceptance of the fact that he is gone. It is learning to make peace with the fact that he may never come home. This is your “what if” moment that allows you to either choose to continue on this path, or get out. What needs to be discussed here most of all is the final confrontation of what a deployment really means: he is putting his life on the line. Sure, this should have sunken in by now, but your mind and heart are too busy going through the other emotions to fully grasp this. Also, the reunion and reintegration will fall into this category. This is a huge issue as this is the stage where both spouses can/will display PTSD symptoms. This is the place where the wife needs to feel a chance to examine herself as opposed to searching for all his issues or her children’s issues.
It is also where we need to accept that life continues at home without him. Children grow, grandparents die, friends get married. Where do we fit? How do we still maintain some normalcy when everything is so abnormal?
Take a look at all our Deployment Discussions here!
Regarding the depression stage – I’m in the throes of it right now. Thanks for the blurb about it “hitting you when he is closer to coming home”. It is strangely encouraging to know I may not be as crazy as I feel inside. I’ve been seeing a therapist and taking meds but having trouble with side effects and getting effective management. Sometimes I just get so mad at myself and feel angry by the betrayal of my mind. When I need to be “on my A game” I’m struggling with trivial daily tasks. I’m just wondering when I’ll feel like my old self again. My hubby seems to think his re-entrance into our lives (in 5-6 weeks) will magically make me well, but I know better. Thanks for this website. Your open heart and honest words really help me when I’m feeling so alone.
Stephanie–You are not alone. I think my worst bout of depression happened just before my husband came home. It just feels like your whole body is worn and falling apart just when you had hoped to be up and ready for the reunion you have hoped for. We are here for you. Also, you may want to read through the blogs we have written that are tagged “depression.” We have written about many different happenings in our life, and we hope that you will read them, and understand that you are very, very normal. Hang in there. We are here.
I’ve gone through all the stages and find myself back in the middle of consuming rage that so many in his unit are coming home early. People who left the same day as my hubby are now home for good with their families and I am so jealous I can’t stand it. I feel horrible. I love these other friends and families and want to be happy for them, but instead I am just angry. Any suggestions?
Vivian–I think what you are feeling isn’t so much jealousy, but a deep missing of your husband. I understand feeling horrible about being angry. Angry isn’t pretty, and often we feel so guilty for ever expressing it. Of course you love your friends and fellow fighters. But you love him more. That is understandable. I think all of us have caught ourselves being mad at various instances of what just didn’t feel fair. I think what is most important here is that you acknowledge the feeling as well as the wish that it would disappear. Which is what will ultimately help it fade. We are all here for you.
Vivian,
I have so been there. I found myself glaring at the welcome home signs, and then feeling horrible about it. I cried over the unfairness, and the illogical process of it all. I have rode the roller coaster so many times that I cannot even count them. Half the fight is recognizing that we have to ride it out. The anger is a completely normal response to such an abnormal situation.
May suggestion is to breath through it and give yourself some slack. We are here for you.
My husband just left for deployment. I have all kinds of emotions at the same time. I’m angry,sad,and I feel like I am going to loose it!!!
Allyson,
What you are feeling is so normal. This roller coaster makes us all feel insane. I completely hear you. You are not alone. Keep talking to us. We are all here for you.
I’m right there…where that second wave of sadness feels like it’s gonna overwhelm the tenuous hold I thought I’d gained after the first few months of his deployment. And his R & R is a month away. It makes me feel so guilty and confused. Like I can’t answer the question, “why am I feeling this way?”
Christie–I hear you. And you are feeling this way because you are on a ride and we all go through this cycle. And you are feeling this way because you love him. It isn’t a fun process. But we are all going through it with you. Beside you.