Kristina

Our Evolving Stories

After years of telling our stories here on this blog, it’s finally time to build a better one.
One with more options, with more space, with fewer issues.

We want this new space to become more, to showcase how we’ve grown-not just the team, but all of us, as military spouses, family members, active duty, vets.

This, here,  is our plan.

And so here we are.

Many of you have been here with us, on this journey from the very beginning.

Some of you have joined us over the years.

Some of you are brand new, and wondering exactly what’s going on.

 

Who we are as spouses, as military dependents, as those who love a service member, or once did, has evolved.

Has changed.

We’ve changed.

We’ve grown worn.

But stronger.

Tired.

But resilient.

Lonely.

But not truly alone.

 

We’ve talked a lot about the ugly side of military life.

The stresses.

The moves.

The anger.

The pain.

The overwhelming fear.

It’s all still there, but we’ve learned how much more we are because of it now.

And because of that, we have so much more to talk about now.

 

We are strong.

Beautiful.

Aware.

Resilient.

Owning our stories.

Full of light and wonder.

Never kept down.

A family of people we’ve never met, but know because their stories and voices are our own.

 

And we, the Her War team, we want to create a space for the evolving story of the military spouse.

All of us.

Because it’s time for us to move out of the shadows of who the wars made us, into our own light.

 

Let’s create something beautiful.

Something that reminds us that we are never again alone.

 

036

I Do Not Want To Self Destruct

LoriWhy is it so hard for us to love our own selves?

Why do we constantly have to fight against our own minds, beliefs, thoughts, to be kind and loving to ourselves?

 

Lori talks the hard, the reasons, the urge to love her own self. Because her own self is worth loving.

Why do I need to eat healthy food, exercise and get a significant about (7-8 hours) of restful sleep every night?

 

I weigh 230 pounds. This is the heaviest I have ever weighed. I’ve always been overweight and battled the stigma and self-defeating mindset of being a “fat kid” all my life. The older I get, the harder it is to lose the weight, and the older I get the more physically painful it becomes to bear the extra weight.

 

I struggle with low self-esteem, and I remind myself with every meal that I am a terrific failure. Can you imagine? Humans must eat. I fail at what I must do in order to survive. I haven’t had the willpower to stop eating fast food, and with every bite I hear myself saying that I am a loser and I hate myself for eating such filth. If I am willing to treat myself with such hatred, what’s the point in changing? I’m changing because I’m no longer willing to berate myself like this. I don’t deserve the hatred that I have been wallowing in. I deserve to love myself and treat her with kindness and respect. So, that’s where this journey will begin.

 

I don’t want to die “early”. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest and be able to play with my dogs and my nieces and not feel bad all of the time. I huff and puff just from climbing the stairs; I can’t bend over to tie my shoes. I wear the same clothes every week because I won’t spend money on bigger sizes. Feel ugly and gross.

 

I am constantly talking down to myself about how weak I am. I remind myself on a daily basis that I’ve never been this big and that I’ve been successful at exercise and weight loss before, so why am I so such a failure now? I stand naked looking at myself with disgust. Most mornings I simply look away so that I don’t have to see the nastiness glaring back at me.

I’ll try harder next week…

When I get new shoes I will…

Once it gets cooler…

I just need to make a grocery list…

 

There is no excuse more important than my happiness.

There is no excuse more important than my self-worth.

There is no excuse more important than my health.

There is no excuse more important than my self-love.

 

If I don’t change my eating, exercising and sleep habits, I will spiral into a very dark depressive state. I will be unable to think clearly because the voices in my head will become louder and eventually drown out all things positive. I won’t leave the house. I will start drinking again.

 

I do not want to self-destruct.

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