036

The Loves I Have Let Go Of

086“The list of things I used to be is longer than the list of things I am…”

Mineshaft,  Dessa

 

 

 

 

Today, my team is preparing the final bits and pieces for another retreat.

Today, this retreat, I won’t be there.

The first retreat I’ve not been a part of.

Are we not wise enough to give all we are?

Surely we’re bright enough to outshine the stars

The human kind gets so lost in finding its way

but we have a chance to make a difference til our dying day

Wise Enough, Lamb

 

In a little over a month, I will no longer be an Army wife.

 

I won’t even be a wife anymore.

 

I spent a decade in love with you

And I just can’t tell if you’re here, cause

The man I knew

I don’t think that he can hear me now

The Man I Knew, Dessa

 

My life has become such that I’m unable to post on our facebook page, or be part of the twitter team.

I feel lost; and separated from my HWHV team.

Boy you had a dream that one day she would fly

High above the city streets

Now she’s so much older gazing at the sky

Until lessons only life can teach

And she walks

For miles she walks

Yeah she walks

Yes she walks

 She Walks, Lamb

 

The list of things I used to be……….

 

And yet, here I am.

 

Writing to you all, again.

Do you read what I have to say?

Does it help you?

Give you words you hadn’t realized you also had?

Make you nod along or at least take a moment to consider?

 

Writing to you all gives me a touchstone to something important.

A way to connect.

The dots.

Myself.

My friends.

My chosen family.

The life I have lived to this point.

The words I can’t seem to string together out loud.

 

We are all of us, here together, on the cusp of massive changes.

Downsizing, retirement, medical issues no one could have dreamed the worst nightmares of.

 

And we all of us, on some level or another, feel the loss of our “family”.

 

Those privates that used to eat every single thing I’d put on the table and drive up my grocery bill?

I still catch my breath in worry over each and every one of them.

None of them privates anymore.

Grown up and grown on, broken in and broken down.

 

The spouses I spent long afternoons and evenings with, laughing and moaning over our shared fates of military spouse-hood?

I still think of them, daily. Wonder how they’re doing. If they’re still holding up, holding on.

Still surviving.

 

And because the list of things I used to be grows from day to day, as I start the next wheel of my life, I feel as if I haven’t quite the right to still be connected to it all.

To you all.

And I refuse to believe that.

Well, I refuse to let the thought of the belief stick around for very long.

 

We are all in this together.

You all are the only ones that understand my language, the language of what we’ve lived through.

And that- that is what keeps me here.

Ties me into something bigger, and better, than I can be on my own.

So thank you.

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