Her War, Her Voice!

Military life is not for the faint of heart. It is full of tears, worries, joy, and terror. It is full of self-doubt and self-awareness. It is full of struggles and triumphs. It is full of pain and love. Then when you get all this under your belt, and on your resume it throws you another curve-ball.

I have experienced all of this, and will continue to endure the up coming and never ending curve-balls. I will stand by his side, raise our children, and hold together the home front when needed. But will that be enough for him to stay? Will I still lose him in the end?

I am hit with the fear that after a decade of war, I might not be enough? I might be too different. I have changed so much form the person that first captured his heart at 16.

While he was fighting two wars – three times, I became a mom of two – battling with potty training, and breast feeding, while he battled the Taliban and the Iraqi Government.

I was exhausted from staying up all night with sick kids, and he was exhausted from staying up all night trying to make sure more kids came home alive to their parents and loved ones.

I put on weight from not having enough time to take care of myself, while he lost weight from the stress, heat, and op-tempo of war.

I’ve grown from a carefree wild child, to an insecure, worried, self sufficient, stubborn, Army wife and mom. He has grown into a confident, fierce Soldier.

As we navigate back into a life under the same roof, I can’t help but wonder if I will still be enough? Will he see that girl from 20 years ago-that girl that I don’t have time to be, but wish I still was? Will I be able to show him that I am still in here, behind the booger cover shirt, extra pounds, and mom clothes? Will that make a difference?

After years of wiping noses, butts, and faces by myself, will I be able to move over so he can find a place beside me? Will that space be what he wants?

How can I compete with the adrenalin of war? I can hardly hold a conversation that doesn’t revolve around one of the children – usually something that has to do with a body function of some sort. Now there is some excitement for you.

I have to trust in us. I have to trust that we will come out the other side – together. I have to trust that we will find that spark again, and that he will see my eyes sparkle when I look at him. I have to trust that he wants to be here as much as I want him here. I have to trust that I have enough trust to last us – to last through more deployments, and separations, more sleepless worrisome nights, more changes, more goodbyes, and more hellos. I have to trust in us.