We have a very special guest blogger today! With so many strong women serving in the military, we often wonder about men who are choosing to be the caregiver and picking up the weight of both parents during a deployment. Well…we found one who not only loves being home with his kids, but also is blogging about it. The pride he takes in his wife resonates with all of us. And his descriptions of being a proud military spouse need to be heard. We are proud to have Tim, the Army Dad here with us today to share Her War, HIS Voice!
With all of the things that go with being the only parent of our kids for an entire year, there are bound to be things that fall through the cracks. We do our best to remember doctor’s appointments, sports, teacher conferences, and more. And don’t forget dinner! Wait…what’s for dinner tonight?
As easy as it is to feel overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities of parenting, it is easier still to forget that our kids still need aspects of care that are unique to each parent. Our daughters need mommy time and our sons need daddy time. And when they are upset, it is usually the opposite! But with one parent gone, someone has to make up the difference. Guess who that is… Yep…you and I have to be both parents. A super-parent, if you will.
As a dad, I can relate to my boys. Its easy to watch Clone Wars and Ben 10 with them. We love to go out and throw the football and play catch. But what about my daughter? Well… Tea parties simply don’t come naturally for me. Further, I just don’t think I look all that good in a princess dress-up outfit. And the last time I tried to do ballet moves, I needed a visit to the chiropractor!
Injuries aside, I continue to try and be the best mom I can be, even with my beard, short hair, and 6-1, 255 lb frame. Each day I do my best to put my daughter’s hair up in ponytails. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes two. I leave that up to her. I still haven’t learned how to braid yet (don’t judge me!) but I make a great set of ponytails. What I try to do, though, is make time just for her. We sit on a bench in the bathroom and I brush her hair. Then, according to her wishes for that day, I put it up.
When I get it up I always remember to tell her how pretty she is. On the weekends (uniforms on school days) we both stand in front of her closet and pick out something pretty for her to wear. And at night, when we read books, we read ballet, horse, even Barbie books. When her class had Muffins With Mom, I went with her. Yep, I was the only dad there, but she didn’t care. She was thrilled!
Now, I’ve never had much to do with the nightly routines. With my wife being the soldier, she’s gone all day. So at night she takes over after dinner. That’s her special time with the kids. With her being gone, though, that falls to me. I try to imagine how my wife would do it when she’s home. At bed time these days, I give each of my kids a hug and a kiss and tell them I love them very much. Sometimes we say prayers together, always remembering to mention Mommy. I try my best to do all of the things that she would do with them.
When the kids are hurt or upset, or just down in the dumps, I do my best to give them some special attention. When they make good grades I’m right there to sing their praises. And when they cross the line, then I’m there to correct. Whether they need a sensitive/tender touch, a hard-core-adrenaline-fueled romp, or discipline/correction, it’s me. There are so many facets to parenting that I think we take for granted from our spouse that come to the forefront during a deployment.
Yes, being all of those things and combining them into one parent isn’t easy and it takes some getting used to. But whether it’s easy or hard is irrelevant. You see, they’re my kids. They are everything to me, as I’m sure yours are to you. And I’ll do anything to ensure their well being, including sitting at a tea party or putting on a dress up princess outfit. Ok, maybe not the princess outfit.
So how does all of this translate to you? Moms of boys, get out your gloves and go throw some baseballs, race around on scooters, in short, do boy things with them! When you’re inside, roughhouse with them. Boys need that. Ever wonder why they are always wrestling with each other and with other boys? Boys are testosterone driven beings who love to compete. So get on the carpet and let the games begin! And when they cross the line, don’t be afraid to correct them.
Most of the moms that I’ve met over the years (remember, while living on post, it’s usually all moms except for me at home during the day!) have saved the “right hand of justice” for when Dad gets home. “Do you want me to tell your father what you’re doing when he gets home?” is something I’ve heard numerous times. But if you don’t become that stern parent when a line is crossed, boys will continue to push the boundaries until you’re ready to pull your hair out. Be the fun and tender parent, but don’t forget to be the law giver of the house as well!
Being the parent back home in this war isn’t easy. I’ve certainly had my share of bad days. And there are a ton of responsibilities that get added to your plate that you never had to worry about before. I would encourage you, however, to keep this last thought on your mind: kids are very resilient. When you feel like you’re failing or like you’re not being a very good parent, take heart. Your kids will love you no less and think no less of you. You’re still the center of their world. And so long as they are healthy and happy, and so long as they are loved, they’ll be just fine. And you… you’re going to come through this time a better parent than you ever thought you could be!
To read more of Tim’s blog, visit Army Dad.
